I always thought I was bad at love. Turns out, I was terrified of receiving it.

One of the most unexpected realisations during my tantra massage training was this:
I didn’t know how to receive.

Giving has always come naturally.
I clean with love. I hold space as a counsellor. I channel Reiki with reverence.
Giving feels like home.

But when it came to receiving, especially in intimacy, I carried a silent ache.
A sense of deprivation. Of never quite being met.

Then came 30 days of sacred giving and receiving Tantra massage.
I expected bliss. But receiving… felt like torture.

My body would freeze.
I forgot how to breathe.
I dissociated, while others melted into moans and sighs of pleasure.

And yet… I was safe.
My givers were beautiful. Present. Skilled.
So why couldn’t I let go?

The shift came when I stopped judging my resistance.
I held it like a child, crying out for the love it never felt safe to keep.

That’s when I saw the truth:
My nervous system had equated receiving with danger.
Receiving meant risking loss,
and I had already survived too many:
Divorces. Departures. Deaths.
Love came… and went.

So somewhere inside, I chose:
“If I never fully receive, I never have to fully lose.”

But what if I’m safe now?
What if receiving is no longer a threat—but a birthright?

The body remembers. But the body can also re-learn.
And I am re-learning. Gently. Consciously. Sensually.

Thank you to the sacred hands, wise teachers, and loving mirrors who walk beside me.
I’m opening, one breath at a time.

Now, I receive not as a risk… but as a ritual. A reclamation of all I am worthy of.

📸 @brett.merrill